Hi, I’m Amanda.

Curious to know more? Read on for the longer, more detailed story:

First off, let me address what I mentioned in the above nutshell about one of the most important and personally impactful things that I do:
**What does “remembering the Wholeness” mean? 
To be honest, the practice is easy and mostly unconscious for me when things are going smoothly; it’s the challenging moments that invite my conscious to wake up and remember that there’s more than the one thing I see in the moment.
When referring to myself, it’s a practice of accepting all the facets ~ the parts I enjoy and easily celebrate, AND the sides that I tend to judge and are harder for me to love. 
In the context of interacting with others, there’s an awareness of the mixture of delights and frustrations. It’s about giving the benefit of the doubt, being mindful that I don’t know another’s story, reminding myself that I actually appreciate contrast.  And when I’m especially resourced, I can look at the interaction as an opportunity for self-reflection, and possibly even growth. 
The light and shadow existing simultaneously in each of us is what makes us unique and, yes, beautiful.

Enjoying Carkeek Park hiking with my husband, 2024

Then, as the years went on, a cloud of confusion developed. 
The immediate physical pleasure of the initial 20-minute high from the first drink of the day was still there, yet the satisfaction in the lifestyle began to fade.
Why wasn’t I happy? Why couldn’t I find purpose? 
Everything looked fine from the outside, no one would have said I had a “problem.” 
And yet, I had a niggling feeling that alcohol was in my way. I wasn’t sure how to get out of the cycle, or if I even wanted to.  Each time the whisper surfaced I pushed it back down.  “I’m fine,” I would tell myself.  “It’s normal to live this way.” 

I increasingly looked forward to the appropriate time of day to pour myself a glass of my favorite wine or cider, to make up that cocktail.  My thoughts turned more and more to when it would be time, could I start a little earlier today? 
If stock in the house was running low, my mind was occupied with when to fit a shopping trip into my busy day. 
Alcohol took up escalating amounts of room - mental, physical, financial. 
It was becoming a rut, a burden, a heavy weight in each day.

Both my husband and I noticed our occupation with alcohol-fueled rituals in our lives, and began to discuss how to change it. 
The idea sounded really hard, and quite a bummer to accomplish. 
Give up a thing we had enjoyed?  That had been a big part of our courtship? 
We got married in the orchard at a cidery, for goodness sakes.  Could we move on from the lifestyle?

Then one day during the pandemic, I was listening to the 10% Happier podcast, and Annie Grace was the guest.  I’m sure she said many things about This Naked Mind and her own relationship with becoming alcohol-free, and, the one thing that stands out to this day is “I drink as much as I want to whenever I want to, and for six years now I haven’t wanted to.” 
My jaw dropped to the floor.  I could not get my head around the idea that someone could not WANT to drink. 
I thought I would have to white-knuckle through any decrease in alcohol consumption, let alone giving it up all together.
And yet, I was drawn towards that life. I could sense the freedom possible.

Paraglide Maui. Unparalleled view.
2023

So we gave the Alcohol Experiment a go.  I am grateful we both wanted to support each other through it;
having my life partner on the same page was a relief and incredibly helpful. 
I learned about why I drank, and the costs to my body and brain.
I dappled with moderation. 
In the end, not giving alcohol the time of day turned out to be what gave me my life back.
And wasn’t that my ultimate desire?  To live a life fully alive?

I thought islands that look like this only existed
in emojis. San Blas delight.
My snorkeling friend found the shell.
2025

On Haleakala 2023

When I was drinking, I didn’t see it this way. 
I saw my life in black and white, in binary terms. 
I was either good or bad, lovable or not.
I applied those qualifiers based on how I was acting, and how I judged the actions. 
I also made up stories about what others thought of me, and hid who I am behind a manufactured presentation of myself, because of what I told myself was likable. 
Being liked was everything, because if I was liked that meant I was worthy of love and belonging, and ok to exist. 
I hid behind the wine.  I drank for status and acceptance, to belong to a culture and community. 
Mostly, without being aware of it, I was drinking to numb the pain of believing I wasn’t ok.

Daily drinking did provide pleasure for quite some time – an enjoyable cocktail and wine ritual before, during, and after dinner; the addition of Bloody Marys or Mimosas at brunch on weekends; tasting room, cidery and winery visits as a social activity; belonging to wine and cider clubs; sharing favorite wines at book clubs; vacations planned around regional orchard and vineyard tours; pairing ethnic cuisine with that culture’s alcohol while out to eat or even at home.  There were myriad worlds to explore! 
Let’s face it, alcohol can be fun!

Enormous eucalyptus and friend love on Maui 2023

The first adult-sized garment I knit, including lace. This is the lone photo on this page that dates to when I was still drinking. I look happy, but check out that dull skin and those eye circles! 2020

Sometimes they let me sing into a mic
2024

Snorkel San Blas Islands, Panama. Unparalleled view.
2025